literature

to walk with

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genericwin's avatar
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Literature Text

we're all looking for it
something that
someplace where
someone who
maybe, we can return to
maybe, we can call home

listen to the quiet noise, midnight
and watch the city lights, outside
the glass of your bedroom window
cool under your palms
and against your cheek

you're looking for it too
maybe you've seen it
in a dream
or maybe you know it
from somewhere in your memories

maybe you've already found it
and you just don't realize it

it might be the familiar song
that you hum when you're alone
or the easy smile that tugs at the corners
of your lips and your heart at the sight
or the memory of another

it might be the pride behind a father's smile
or the look in a lover's eyes

but hey, life's a journey
and sometimes I think
that we'll only really find someplace
at the end of it

even so

maybe tomorrow, I'll find you
and maybe tomorrow, we'll walk it
together, the long way home
inspired by man at the cafe which was written by
:iconohsostarryeyed:
nowhere near as good, though.


did this for a uni assignment. got a D for it, but I'm pretty satisfied.








on that thing everyone craves, somewhere inside their heart.
Comments10
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TheTerrorOfTheDeep's avatar
Hi! I am from :devsuperwriterscritique:. I hope to be of help.

Alright, firstly, I am not overly fond of the fact you use no capital letters. While it is a technique sometimes used, remember this advice: “Only after you have mastered the rules of writing may you break them.”

This reminds me of those sleepless nights all alone. While you can hear the noise of other people, and you know they are together, it doesn’t mean much since you are by yourself.

Much of this is rather generic. You do use a bit of imagery in the second stanza and again in the fifth, but it is inconsistent. What you need to think about are “trigger words.” The concept is that words like “love” and “smile” are such commonly used words that our minds pass over them without much thought, without truly noticing what these words imply. “Trigger words”, however, are meant to be used in order to elicit an emotional reaction. This may bring about diverse understandings from different people over your work, but that is one of the beauties of art: It means something different to everyone.

Such words can better convey what you what you want to express as well. An example might be in the line second line of your sixth stanza “or the look in a lover’s eyes” may be adjusted to “Or the adoration in your(a) lover’s eyes.” “Adoration” could be replace with a dozen other words depending on your intention like “contentment” or “aim.”

Writing in second person perspective is someone tricky to handle do to forcing an feeling, thought, or reaction onto the reader, but I think you managed to write it with a good amount of grace.

Devious Rating: :star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:

Vision: :star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty:
Originality: :star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Technique: :star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Impact: :star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: